Coming out of the Darkness

It pulls you down, "give up, its so much effort" it says
But you breath, you take a breath for those standing near to you
Every breath is a hundred strong Bulls. Trampling your thoughts and troubling your mind
It's relaxing and its hell. All compressed and cooked well.
Swelling, bubbling your mind is mine. I claim it and try to breath at command.
But it's so much more easier to just not.
I'm naked, exposed beneath the blankets. I do not care I am relieved.
"No!" I say, to myself and breath.
I wish i could tear this mask away from my face.
Fly away afar from this place.
No time for blundering, i breath again. It's so much effort. So much effort.
As my mind conforms to time. Earth time, our time. I open my eyes.
All around me, familiar things. I close my eyes- a slow blink and I wish again that I could go.
I breath at command, from somewhere near. Some nurse or mom, some voice in my ear.
It's so hard, im relaxed, just let me be! But yet again I breath as we take over he.
Who am I? I am conscious, Kris' that is. I am awake, sleepy but here, his body.
His body. His body has been meddled with, troubled, I fear.
Too late, I was shut out while this attrocity took place. Too late, but i agreed to be shut out.
Breath! A command that makes me sick and tired. To breath when everything, all around is wild.
I get used to it, the body and I. We become Kris and he talks through "I".
I hate this. Fighting to breath, when i could surrender.
I could surrender and flow so relaxedly. Life would go on. Just without me. Thats ok...
Sighing. I breath again. I start to talk. "Why do I fight this feeling? this feeling to give up?" I think, I talk.
I laugh, i bite. Chocolate from the nurses pocket. My mind whirls. It dances and swirls.
I'm alive..yea, no more feeling of giving up. What a shame- I liked it so much.
Breathing is constant. They take pulsox off. I heave myself up as my strength rushes around.
I remember why I live.
"My body, this lean carrion that still has to be washed and fed and have clothes hung about it daily with
so many changes.." -Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis
so many changes. The strength that rushed through and around me. A strength that is not my own, or is it.
Aha! The strength of my mind, my will. My thoughts. My dreams and ideals! Energy that feeds my soul.
and all it was- just some blackout drugs.
I shall return to my reading, I really just needed to write out what it feels like to come out of anesthesia.
...maybe one of the reasons I live is to write. For if I were unable to write, then I might die. But..hehe
"Man proposes, God Disposes."

now playing: The Nutcracker Suite by Tchaikovsky