had a relapse..bad at rehab..ruins everything

well ive figured out my outfit.. wadaya think? lol
i cant find the book..so i wont be able to write about some things i thought about "such-n-such" so I am just going to ramble if you dont mind. And since its 1 am..and other reasons..im going to be very sloppy in my writing/grammar/spelling..because eventually youll get used to it and not mind...so whats the point? ok well theres a point..but im ignoring it this morning

I've decided to dye part of my hair a blueish after it grows out just a bit more..so i can match saras red hair problemo (which i completely disregard as cool and not a problem..but eh..the problemo word just flowed) oh! you know what i liked about C.S. Lewis in his book? Was that he would think while he wrote. One paragraph he would be writing his thoughts and then say "no..actually..thats wrong" I love that because i do that all the time...speaking my thoughts to God in the dark..ill be talking and just talking..and then find my reasoning is all a bunch of a crap..or ill be writing in a diary (ye i actually have a diary where i dont publically broadcast it..amazing huh?) ..and ill be writing my thoughts to God. Wrestling in a written text form you could say...and i'll find myself wrong, and i find it a waste to spend 30 minutes writing something only to find it totally blind and stupid..so i leave it incase i make the same idiotic mistake again. Earth wind and fire will wake me up really easily in the morning..but after that ill just sort of doze..and its not really relaxing. Pain sometimes makes my days feel almost unrealistic..dreamy sorts. No. Not the drugs..im all but begining to become immune to their effects unfortunately. Just the pain will numb my other sense so that living is all surreal. I barely notice temperatures these days...ive only noticed its gotten warmer over the past 3 months because i begin sweating when in a t-shirt ..ye a dream... but then.. what is real? This life could all be a dream or a thought in the minds of our soul...and for some of us just a begining to something else.
But that thought alone just blows my mind into countless scenarios and possibilities.
everyhing is so complicated. or is it? hehe you can take someones mind and just completely whack it out of shape if youve looked at a smilar mind and found its weaknesses and strengths. the laws regarding human communication is really simple..just a matter of figuring each one out.
the days fly by...i squirm about how everything just happensthese days..i dont look at the clock on my computer..only when i check the date or someone asks me do i notice it..otherwise i tell the time by what time i took my pills..or how long ago i took my pills...
im going to go to bed now...i feel sufficiently tired and worn out..and in enough pain to wake up to arouse slumber upon my body.

now listening to: my voices in my head charge God with not coming up with a more elaborate plan..He could've at least made it possible for me..to.. somehow win the lottery ..or meet the President..or Colin Powell....but nope..I get to meet exciting Dr. Kennedy!...AYE CARAMBA!