September 2004-June 2005

Job 7:11
"Therefore I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul."

"When I lay these questions before God I get...a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, "Peace child; you don't understand.Yet."

I look at life through a tinted glass window. Seeing the world through permanent sunglasses. I see life darker, different.. I begin to forget what it once was like to live without the glasses. No one can see my eyes, cannot see me wince, laugh, cry and sigh. When i look into the mirror even i cannot see my eyes expression.
Today about 3:05 pm, Robert went home. One of the most profound and hard experiences I've ever lived through. You begin to wonder about life and everything which really matters as you watch someone take their last breaths and the how a disease like cancer can steal so much so quickly. Makes you begin to think Solomon wasn't so crazy in his writing of Ecclesiastes...
Please pray for the Knight family now as they mourn. God rest Robert's soul.
maybe i didnt want it.. what kind of plan is this where one must ..live..the word has become sour. is it really that selfist to not want to endure such? am i honoring you by living? because if i dont.. whats the point of me existing?
lying here in the dark..laying on my stressed out back i refect...and one thing comes to my mind "rest rest rest rest rest rest"
not exactly a sleeping rest..just more of an all around rest..rested body, mind and soul..
Had a good day today! Woke up early and shadowed someone around at King's Academy Highschool. Was a bit taken back by how open kids were there, but there's obvious strong ties among the juniors (most of them haven been there awhile now) ..I just dislike how long its going to take me to befriend some of them to a point where they're GOOD friends. We'll see.
at the last supper Jesus took the brussel sprouts said "take eat this will put hair on your chest"
im sick and tired of walking on my crutches,
im sick and tired of being around my parents..no matter how wonderful they are,
im sick and tired of my body stabbing me in the back with one problem after another,
im sick and tired of having very very *very* few peers to vocal my complaints too.. emphasis on VOCAL,
im sick and tired of my life right now.
oh! lastly.. im sick and tired of trying not to be scared as hell.
a little song i learned in kindergarten:
theres a hole in my bucke!t dear liza! dear liza! theres a whole in my bucket dear liza a hole!
...then fix it! dear henry! dear henry! dear henry! then fix it dear henry! dear henry fix it!
with what shall i fix it? dear liza! dear liza! with what shall i fix it dear liza? with what?....and thats where i end
boring old song..
I'm restless..terribly restless...very very restless. I miss my friends. My soul is very restless. I feel it shaking.. God's made His point...why can't He leave me at that.
I am making absolutely no sense whatsoever. Just like my life..coincidence? nah..just a pattern.
*sing* surgery..surgery...lalalalala surgery!
i was in so much pain i had to come home. even with valium, vicodine and morphine IR (instant release...quick acting) on board...normally this would knock out any old normal person...though ive built up some sort of weird immunity for these drugs :/ ..so tuesday wasnt so good..
BLAH! PEOPLE...BLAH!
well right now, living life by ear as i blindly stumble around in the darkness. I'm sorry i cant write all the details.. its all so complex and elaborate.. and overall annoying. like a rubics cube. cept its got a lot more sides and its in the hands of God.. :/ kind of changes things a bit...
blame it on doctors who treat me somewhat like a lab rat.
why is there dried blood under my thumbnail? ive decided that i wont write about yesterday....main reason because it was a horrible day that i dont want to remember or discuss.
drugs drugs drugs
out there, over the next hill.. on the other side of the fence, the dreamy of a place where the grass is supposed to be greener.. i will find peace, ill be satisfied with life like i once was. or maybe i'll find peace when i die..
ive always imagined death to be like the moments just before i go to sleep. I'm tired, but holding on to those few moments of day.. then im ready, i lay down and i think "ahh.. time to rest"
The heart has its reasons whereof reason knows nothing
how true is that.
so. I'll be officially tapered off the narcotics on monday...cept for valium..which i can stop anytime prolly cuz im ..like immune to it now.
dont want any old friends seeing me in this state, hopeless is a good word..i think, but words never fully grasp real emotions, they merely are able or try to catch the shadow or edge of the real emotion behind it..hey im on drugs give me a break if im rambling...or you can credit me with the ability to keep a sharp mind while on drugs and stll be philosophically mysterious ..you choose!
back from my "mission" code named 'hurt-a-lot'
stupid stupid stupid..I want to go home. where is home?
no im feeling more like someone attacked me with a salted chainsaw. How happy, i think ill leave you with that beautifully graphic image.
"Sponge Bob is popular among adult gay men "
-back from hell
Valium and Lorset is what im taking now that im at home..two days ago i was on Morphine and Ativan too. the pain was ridiculous whenever i moved...im just hoping that for the next to weeks as im compromising situation that things will get better... the time i spent in the hospital was horrible and i wish i could erase it from my memory.
well am ready for the surgery tomorrow..just think blank just think blank..or God ye! just think God just think God...lol
omething about st patricks day that i love...but i have to be in the mood..dressed green, big dinner meal etc...oh and i was just told that it happened two days ago.. :/ well im much better after my major surgery..and last minute surgery... ok not much better...but im ok :)
physically im ok ..getting better...things might actually be starting to work for me..
emotionally wise i think my soul wouldnt mind playing russian roullet
thankfully i have a lot of self control, and not many people to play that hideous game.
...so yea today's Easter.
He is rissen! He is rissen indeed.
Eat chocolate to celebrate the defeat of Satan and the breaking of our chains, which were bound to damnation, but are now free.
he building again to see if the guy was back..he was..so i talked... what it was..a commericial/fund raising for families who have a kid with cancer and are financially burdened...think they'll start airing on
"mix 106.5" radio station..
so yeah..its official ..i had a bad day :/
its like im going back into the PACU (post anesthesia recovery unit for you non-hospital dwelling folks) tomorrow..we dont know if its going to involve OR (operation room/surgical room..whatevr)..prolly not but im going to make sure that i have some meds onboard to knock me out if i dont...
....i really wouldn't mind all this medical stuff ..if i wasn't a teenager and that im stuck watching other teens live out their lives in a fashion I think i deserve. See here's where my plain anger and beliefs clash.
Ahhh the smell of wet pavement. It's raining..
I'm getting better! feeling OK...just hope it continues this way..i might start taking lessons at Kings school..if so-im thinking of starting a blog about that which you can read all about this School i hopefully will attend and graduate my junior year at.
Unknowing where my home is, i have figured it out. My home is where God's will is. My home is not found on any physical plane but in spirit. Though it far from feels that way sometimes, the sooner i acknowledge that, the more freedom i will experience.
i change my clothes..get into the skimpy gross way out of style hospital rags...get my height/weight/blood pressure all checked.....then i lie in a gurney..they poke a needle into me, flush me with saline and then i wait. wait wait wait (this is based on experienced..very rarely do are they ready for me) meanwhile ill be listening to my ipod..or not..think its not been charged or i dont know where it is...anyways..then they give me versed and phentonal and then POOF 15 hours of my life is erased and stolen cuz i cant remember what happened. which is good...but id still rather not have to do this at all in the first place..but eh..why not...so..then im in the recovery unit....3 East for a week...to 10 or more days ..who knows
.i dont know what shape ill be in when i come out of the Operation Room ...toodles and hopefully talk to you all later
I am going to test a hypthesesis. That my life is pretty lousy and this is due to the pain which constantly poisons me. It will start today and at the end of each day I will write about how the day went and the little details and thoughts that occured.
well the vycodine helps a whole lot even though its super powerful, though i think i can keep my mind together enough to stay awake..other than that powerful pain drug its been really hard, just..living right now and healing at the same time. My emotions are scattered, or some dr psychologist might say..actually their not scattered..their pretty organized, just their not all really optimistic, which is bad because im an optimist. Lord have mercy
Day of foggy dwelling thoughts.
-scars
Learning to walk involves bearing the fall
so im not going to be going to turkey or any other place..for that matter..i learned yesterday...and now im going to talk w/ the docs bout tomorrow morns surgery...so..toodles :)
i wont be going to realy high school either this year... ill be doing school with the great teachers at the hospital
How do you justify unruly fury out of naked embarrasement against the creator?
How does one make case against the ruler of everything? How to plead in shouts full of anger, hate of confussion againts love?
How to deal with feelings parallel to bloodlust and revenge, against a role model, hero?
These are the questions which linger in the air, making my life bittersweet. If I knew the answers, life would have no meaning.. and since I don't know the answers.. life hurts.
darkness defines light to us humans. such a pity. such a shame.
so much do we all take for granted.. so much did i use to take for granted, only to find out-too late how i did not appreciate it.. just basic things.. things that are needed to live.
lex orandi lex credendi
"how you pray is how you believe".. if you want that to make sense you could just say "how you worship defines what you believe" ..ive mulled over this quite a bit, and its amazing how true the sentence is.. another thing which ive thought about.. is that God puts me through trials just to increase my faith in Him. That I should onto Him not merely for a reward, but that I should look at it from a different perspective. My walk with Him should not be defined as a journey from point A to point B but as a walk from that has no specific destination. that sounds to darn vague and unspecific.. which i dont like to be.. even though I DO like talking in carousel analogies.

Psalms 8
O LORD , our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory
above the heavens.
From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise [2]
because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings [3]
and crowned him with glory and honor.

You made him ruler over the works of your hands;
you put everything under his feet:
all flocks and herds,
and the beasts of the field,
the birds of the air,
and the fish of the sea,
all that swim the paths of the seas.

O LORD , our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!