Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Monday, January 16, 2006

same old same old

whats the use of restating old problems? the grandeur of reviewing continuing, pressing pain? nothing, it seems that only person who doesn't get tired of it is God. Ive worn myself out ..again..and again with the same old same old.. ill stop telling people whats going on..because really.. who gives a after hearing the same story the 7'th time? how unique does the problem sound? not very unique.. in fact, it begins to look very sad and pathetic. Do i want to look sad and pathetic? haha..rhetorical dumb question
..it reminds me of that thing i learned somewhere, cant remember, school sometime. in the bible about the old lady who pestered the King with pleas..and finally the King answered her just to get her off his back.
yeah.. so taking that strategy with God, although it seems very impersonal often. Like talking to a stone door which follows me around.
Its unbelievably terrifying, life right now. It actually takes a lot different emotional straining than just being a patient trying to keep sane. When I'm sick, all I had to do, was keep a certain state of mind, occupy the immediate attentative mind.. and tolerate physical circumstances. Three things to do..and they become a habit. As for now..everything is interrelated to everything else. or so it seems. i dont really get a break to stand apart and think.. always sometime to do do do.
Always have to pick up the pace, improve improve improve.
I feel like.. for a lack of a better word, crap when going through the college match book...looking through all the things that is required of people, and i coincidentally was thrusted into the cancer world smack dab in the middle of my high school years. So as a result ..i suck in a lot of areas. My math is horrible, i never understood it correctly because i never got real proper foundation. My english grammar is horrible because i didnt..really..get tested on it..understand..or applied it when i learned it. My after school programs/clubs suck..because I didnt have oppurtunities. the list goes on..its much more easier complaining about generalities, that way my problems look worse than they might be. No, ha..thats not entirely true. theres just a lot more of problems I'm ashamed to talk about.
Then there are dilema's which relate to, or are a product of me going to school.. which are dilema's not problems... but take up a lot of thinking compacity, easier subjects to dwell upon.
No matter how hard I try-it doesnt add up. But its a sin to give up, so too bad.
there are a lot of endless circle of dooms, id write them all down in some desperate hopes that maybe theyll dissipate and float freely..but in vain.

blah blah ...bitter angst... blah blah blah.. i guess thats what im trying to say.. that..that would be the main thing to take away from this post.

yet.. in a bizzare freakish series events ive been blessed in ways that kinda snuck up on me. if your really curious.. email me..

right now would be a good time to end with a quote:

Perez: An old ass knows more than a young colt.

so all you old asses, please lend me your wisdom! :D

...hey at least i can write..or type. whatever.