Jump rope hope

Sweating beneath the drapes of waltzing
they are drawn across my ephemeral mind
I reach for the outline of shadows behind
but not being real, I struggle in futility
as the sketches are mere cataracts
of bloodshot sight, my senility
looms large without facts

lamenting my familiar failure
I charge with refuge for the shelter
of Wonder, seeking it's skill of burning
with smoke, red glows and change.
As my ally it will hurt me
more than any other.

What if angels, were once creatures from a different plane of reality, who were created and went through history not unlike us and subsequently came to give up their wills to God in love of Him?

Often, at moments of sudden uncertainty, as things fall away, I loose sight of what I have. In the follow seconds I hastely reform my character and rebuild my wall of security, shaken by how fast things fell. Am I really that vulnerable to outside criticism? I should really look into strengthening those barriers. Maybe I'll hire a couple of diplomats to hear things for me in comfortable light, then I'll be both protected and receptive of incoming opinions.

Wanna Hear a Poem by Steven Colman

I wanna hear a poem
I wanna learn something I didn’t know
I wanna say "yes" at the end, because I'm sick of saying "so?"

I wanna hear a poem about who you are
And what you think
And why you slam
Not a poem about me and my poem
Because I know who I am

I wanna hear a love poem
A sad poem
An "I hate my dad" poem
A dream poem
An "I'm not what I seem" poem
An "I need" poem
An "I also bleed" poem
An "I'm alone" poem
An "I can't find my home" poem
I just wanna hear a poem

I wanna hear a poem about revolution
About fists raised high
And hips twisting in a rumble like a rumba
I wanna follow the footsteps of Chè
And hear the truth about the days of CIA killed the mumba

I wanna hear a poem about struggle
So that when I open my mouth, I can step outside myself
I wanna listen to no less than the sounds of protest
In the factories where workers sweat and make Air Jordans and Pro-Keds because
If you wanna take shots at people
Target Phil Knight and Bill Gates
Contemplate how
They own the products
And they got the goods
How they act like they care
But they're just Robin Hoods

I wanna hear a poem where ideas kiss similes so deeply that metaphors get jealous
Where the subject matters so much that adjectives start holding pro-noun rallies at city hall

Because I wanna hear a poem that attacks the status quo
That attracts the claps of the cats with the fattest flows
That makes the crowd pass the hat
And pack my cap with a stack of dough
I wanna hear a poem that makes this audience yell “hoooo!” (hoooo!)

Because I wanna guess your favorite color
Then craft rhyme schemes out of thin air
I wanna hear a poem about why the statute of limitations for rape is only five years
I wanna hear a poem
I wanna feel a poem
I wanna taste a poem
Give me your spot on the mic if you wanna waste a poem

I wanna
Hear
A poem

The hegemony of God is my foundation, as it is the overseer of All.
His echelon of angels are at my left and right hands-and with enough faith they are at my command.
So I will live my life praising everything with blessings in and of His righteous name without fear or shame.
Failing to partake in matters, thoughts and traditions belonging of and to the Human Society, that is, one which indulges full fledgedly in ones self.
Blessed be the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. May His true followers, May His church which He knows be blessed with understanding and wisdom of how to live in this world we temporarily call home.

Oh, come and let yourselves be built as living stones unto a spiritual temple.

The Future by Rainer Maria Rilke

The future: time's excuse
to frighten us; too vast
a project, too large a morsel
for the heart's mouth.

Future, who won't wait for you?
Everyone is going there.
It suffices you to deepen
the absence that we are.


Translated by A. Poulin

Testament to/of brothers

Over written word, over written truth
wrists were bound and rooms were shut.
Wednesday chilly mourning,
they cried out- they were cut.
Sons of crescent moon,
peace, peace to you!
Allah is the only God,
His Son took hell by coup.

Three men, three hours,
they were kept, my Christ-
oh how beautiful were their feet!
Hidden in shoes of well worned peace.
Bleeding at the mouth,
Ceasing of the heart,
Naked did they come,
naked they depart.

Sauls of Malatya will you wait and hear?
Since you carved martyrs with pain and gore.
Their sound is gone out, to all the land-
and forgiveness rests at your front door.
They died in love,
for glory, in praise.
For the crucified King,
who was buried, then raised.

Creature of nothing

Rolled, sat and smoked
this rhetoric for so long,
and yes
it might be the death of us
if I don't stop thinking
and rest
without this ugly crisis.

Dreamt the heart away
leaving as it did,
following the debacle
with vicious stubborn time.
Wishing for x, whishing for y
in following cycle
questions turn to crime.

Joy, to feel it
touch and taste,
numbness is my ruin.
It grows on fingers, tongue and eyes
callused head to toe
Suffering loss of gumption
I lack the steady "No."

Freedom is exposure,
cut of the callused scars.
they bleed dark thoughts
set free from locks of darkness.
they bleed bright thoughts
set loose from locks of bleakness
red fountains of deliverance

Salvation is my food
Sustenance from blood
Free of form, chains–infliction
A vampire is not numb.
No longer nothing (sweet pain, what joy)
G-d save this sovereign vampire
and be my sacred signum.

-Kelly Moravec

I'm like listening to music that is totally not alligned with my current mood. I'm listening to "how do you find a word that means maria...many a thing you know youd like to tell, many a thing she ought to understand..."
Such a flitty little song. A bunch of happy nuns shaking their heads smiling about a younger whipper shnapper...doesn't get more flitty than that.

I am not in a flitty mood.

-don't read on if you 1) don't like hearing someone swear 2) don't like listening to people in crappy moods 3) or are under 15

-In remembrance of the Strong warrior

I wait for the Breath.
Raise me up! From this grave.
Lying trapped in my grave,
I rest amongst death.

My mouth, my mouth is dry.
My tongue shrivled gone.
My bones are all dry.
My waiting is long.

Wet my mouth with your words.
Restore body from earth.
You gave me this life.
Thou [must] rememberst my birth.

How did I meet him? I actually couldn't remember when I first did, I had to go back and look. I started my first chemo round the day after christmas 2003. I was sick for New Years and then I believe I went back in for another round (I remember very little of it, sickness+exhaustion+drugs+unwillingness to remember.) This was the entry his mother posted on January 28 2004:
"...the 15 yr. old boy named Chris Smiley that Kelly met last time is here again this week and next. His Mom and I are having fun teasing the boys. This is the family who has had to come home from their field in Turkey. I learned they have 4 children altogether. Kelly was too sick last time to get to know Chris. Last night however the two played computer games for 2.5 hrs. and also went to a "Hang Out" group with 2 other teen guys... "
(we were playing Predator...this was before we got into Halo, Savage etc. etc. We both had macs...we had a strong technological bond from the begining.)

He started getting his chemo a bit before me, we both had tumors that changed our mobilitiy indefinitely. At first it was just that hesitant male-to-male bonding with video games and such. Curtains would be pulled when other doctors and nurses came in. Then we witnessed each other barfing. Dry heaving does something to a friendship, puts it on the fast track. Also that whole being bald issue too. Our mothers became close, inevitibly of course ...which led to invitations. He came to our house a couple times. We visited their house in Redding, sped around their muddy track in their sweet go carts. After our surgeries, I think, we became closer than we liked to be. We knew what the other was going through, and what we put up with, but we didn't talk about it much because knowing someone else actually understands the inner raw, raw pain, is hard enough without having to talk about it with them. I didn't want to talk about it, I knew he knew. And I hated that he knew, because that meant he had experienced it, and I hated that it was something so personal that I didn't want to talk bout it to the one person who knew the best how it felt. There was always that undercover hate of pity. We didn't want to get pitied, but oh we wanted it so damn bad. After going through what we went through, damn right we should get some pity. And it's our God given right to complain about that well earned pity in any way we choose. Kelly was an expert at that, I envied his ability to do that too, I just wanted to sleep through the whole thing, he was able to say things that I wasn't able too sometimes.
And the drugs. The stupid, stupid, stupid messed up drugs. We forgot so much because of what they gave us. Chunks of memories just, don't exist...time that passed that isn't there. No record of living in time ...really screws with the mind. Because he started chemo earlier, he finished his rounds earlier and was out of the whole hospital thing pretty quick. Then I got out too. Then they found more tumors in his leg, and I went back for other things. Then I got out again, and he stayed. Sometimes I feel like I left him in the hell hole, my body trying to gain strength and succeeding slowly, where as his did that whole roller coaster thing and getting weaker. He was the master at looking healthy though. There were times I swear I knew he was feeling bad but I couldn't tell because he was sarcastic and hilarious like before. We were in the same boat. Or at least familiar ship mates, and I felt like me getting better left him there. It's not guilt, more like a yearning to pull him out too, or maybe jump in and try to push him out...or something. I don't know. I loved him. He was a buddy, trully a God given friend, he helped me through some thing. (unknowingly and knowingly) more than any of my other peers. And he... died this morning. I knew he was weak, and he really didn't have long to live, he was on hospice....but I just saw him...two months ago and he looked fine. I knew he wasn't actually fine..but he looked ok. When Robert died, it was a bit different because I had only known him for less than a year. But I actually...witnessed Robert dying in the ICU. And seeing him die numbed me in a way of: "Holy God, I just witnessed someone pass from this life." But Robert had really weakened...and was drawn out..Kelly had given his best...and was ready to stop feeling the deep, deep burning of pain. I knew Kelly so much more...he became one of my good friends...good friend. And I wasn't anywhere near him, I was sleeping. If I was awake I would have been worrying about my upcoming french test. And he died.
I haven't cried, I want too, but I don't want too. I want too...because I haven't in a long time, and he deserves some goddamn tears. I don't want too because a part of me is in denial. And I hate saying that too because I take reality pretty fucking seriously. I've only known for four hours, so this is going to soak in some more before I go to his funeral in two weeks.


Kelly is dead. May he rest in beautiful peace. God rest his tired soul.
He is no longer here.

what the FUCK. How can he be fucking dead. fuck.fuck. Fuck.
Fuck. Shit. Fucking shit. shit. shit. shit.

That said, I would like to tell all of you. While I am in this mood that life isn't to be wasted. You hear that? Do not waste your life. Because too many loose theirs prematurely and unfairly for you to go fucking around wasting it some little thing or another. Make big plans, and then grab them by the throat and look 'em in the eye. If your the type who likes to be nice, then maybe warn your goals before you grab them, but grab them, or grab them nicely. Smile, because days may come when you'll wish you smiled more, or you might have forgotten what smiling felt and looked like. Pursue those you love and viciously guard the ones who love you. Don't do you dare stop loving. There's enough anti-loving feelings out there for you to stop loving when your perfectly capable of loving with all you are. Get mad. Get mad at things that wish to destroy love. Respond to it with all the fiery love you've got, and that hateful thing will back down. Do not ever abandon God. You abandon God and you will dry up like a frog trapped in a glass bottle in the sun. He provides love that will flow through you. Get mad at God every now and then. If you don't fight with the creator of all, every now and then, then you don't have a relationship or a friendship. Friends get mad and disagree because they know whatever they say, the other person will still love them and if you can't be honest or open with God, like anger deserves, then you don't have anything real with him. Like right now.
How the fuck can you put Kelly through all that pain only to lead him up to You? Huh God? Why allow such a thing?
I KNOW...I know why. But YOU have certain obligations and promises to fulfill that You yourself set down in the first place. I know we don't deserve happiness or a good life, but that much pain? It resonates all around too. You know the affects of one person's suffering. For Christ sake, Jesus' suffering has changed reality, how can you still allow such deep suffering to surround and envelope one person, and then swallow him whole?

"I am old now and have not much to fear from the anger of the gods, I have no husband nor chid, nor hardly a friend, through whom they can hurt me. My body, this lean carrion, that still has to be washed and fed and have clothes hung about it daily with so many changes, they may killy as soon as they please... The succession is provided for. My crown passes to my nephew.
Being, for all these reasons, free from fear, I will write in this book what no one who has happinees would dare to write. I will accuse the gods, especially the god who lives on the Grey Mountain. That is, I will tell all he has done to me from the beginning, as if I were making my complaint of him before a judge. But there is not judge between gods and men, and the god of the mountain will not answer me me. Terror and plagues are not an answer. I write in Greek as my old master taught to me." -First paragraph from "Till we have faces" by C.S. Lewis

to everyone else, please pray for the moravec family,

and to my God and my Creator, I wait for your answer, I have made my claims and I will be silent. I love you Oh my Dearest Lord. And please forgive me when I say, I fucking hate the things you don't do sometimes.

I will now, shut the fuck up.

September 2004-June 2005

Job 7:11
"Therefore I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul."

"When I lay these questions before God I get...a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, "Peace child; you don't understand.Yet."

I look at life through a tinted glass window. Seeing the world through permanent sunglasses. I see life darker, different.. I begin to forget what it once was like to live without the glasses. No one can see my eyes, cannot see me wince, laugh, cry and sigh. When i look into the mirror even i cannot see my eyes expression.
Today about 3:05 pm, Robert went home. One of the most profound and hard experiences I've ever lived through. You begin to wonder about life and everything which really matters as you watch someone take their last breaths and the how a disease like cancer can steal so much so quickly. Makes you begin to think Solomon wasn't so crazy in his writing of Ecclesiastes...
Please pray for the Knight family now as they mourn. God rest Robert's soul.
maybe i didnt want it.. what kind of plan is this where one must ..live..the word has become sour. is it really that selfist to not want to endure such? am i honoring you by living? because if i dont.. whats the point of me existing?
lying here in the dark..laying on my stressed out back i refect...and one thing comes to my mind "rest rest rest rest rest rest"
not exactly a sleeping rest..just more of an all around rest..rested body, mind and soul..
Had a good day today! Woke up early and shadowed someone around at King's Academy Highschool. Was a bit taken back by how open kids were there, but there's obvious strong ties among the juniors (most of them haven been there awhile now) ..I just dislike how long its going to take me to befriend some of them to a point where they're GOOD friends. We'll see.
at the last supper Jesus took the brussel sprouts said "take eat this will put hair on your chest"
im sick and tired of walking on my crutches,
im sick and tired of being around my parents..no matter how wonderful they are,
im sick and tired of my body stabbing me in the back with one problem after another,
im sick and tired of having very very *very* few peers to vocal my complaints too.. emphasis on VOCAL,
im sick and tired of my life right now.
oh! lastly.. im sick and tired of trying not to be scared as hell.
a little song i learned in kindergarten:
theres a hole in my bucke!t dear liza! dear liza! theres a whole in my bucket dear liza a hole!
...then fix it! dear henry! dear henry! dear henry! then fix it dear henry! dear henry fix it!
with what shall i fix it? dear liza! dear liza! with what shall i fix it dear liza? with what?....and thats where i end
boring old song..
I'm restless..terribly restless...very very restless. I miss my friends. My soul is very restless. I feel it shaking.. God's made His point...why can't He leave me at that.
I am making absolutely no sense whatsoever. Just like my life..coincidence? nah..just a pattern.
*sing* surgery..surgery...lalalalala surgery!
i was in so much pain i had to come home. even with valium, vicodine and morphine IR (instant release...quick acting) on board...normally this would knock out any old normal person...though ive built up some sort of weird immunity for these drugs :/ ..so tuesday wasnt so good..
BLAH! PEOPLE...BLAH!
well right now, living life by ear as i blindly stumble around in the darkness. I'm sorry i cant write all the details.. its all so complex and elaborate.. and overall annoying. like a rubics cube. cept its got a lot more sides and its in the hands of God.. :/ kind of changes things a bit...
blame it on doctors who treat me somewhat like a lab rat.
why is there dried blood under my thumbnail? ive decided that i wont write about yesterday....main reason because it was a horrible day that i dont want to remember or discuss.
drugs drugs drugs
out there, over the next hill.. on the other side of the fence, the dreamy of a place where the grass is supposed to be greener.. i will find peace, ill be satisfied with life like i once was. or maybe i'll find peace when i die..
ive always imagined death to be like the moments just before i go to sleep. I'm tired, but holding on to those few moments of day.. then im ready, i lay down and i think "ahh.. time to rest"
The heart has its reasons whereof reason knows nothing
how true is that.
so. I'll be officially tapered off the narcotics on monday...cept for valium..which i can stop anytime prolly cuz im ..like immune to it now.
dont want any old friends seeing me in this state, hopeless is a good word..i think, but words never fully grasp real emotions, they merely are able or try to catch the shadow or edge of the real emotion behind it..hey im on drugs give me a break if im rambling...or you can credit me with the ability to keep a sharp mind while on drugs and stll be philosophically mysterious ..you choose!
back from my "mission" code named 'hurt-a-lot'
stupid stupid stupid..I want to go home. where is home?
no im feeling more like someone attacked me with a salted chainsaw. How happy, i think ill leave you with that beautifully graphic image.
"Sponge Bob is popular among adult gay men "
-back from hell
Valium and Lorset is what im taking now that im at home..two days ago i was on Morphine and Ativan too. the pain was ridiculous whenever i moved...im just hoping that for the next to weeks as im compromising situation that things will get better... the time i spent in the hospital was horrible and i wish i could erase it from my memory.
well am ready for the surgery tomorrow..just think blank just think blank..or God ye! just think God just think God...lol
omething about st patricks day that i love...but i have to be in the mood..dressed green, big dinner meal etc...oh and i was just told that it happened two days ago.. :/ well im much better after my major surgery..and last minute surgery... ok not much better...but im ok :)
physically im ok ..getting better...things might actually be starting to work for me..
emotionally wise i think my soul wouldnt mind playing russian roullet
thankfully i have a lot of self control, and not many people to play that hideous game.
...so yea today's Easter.
He is rissen! He is rissen indeed.
Eat chocolate to celebrate the defeat of Satan and the breaking of our chains, which were bound to damnation, but are now free.
he building again to see if the guy was back..he was..so i talked... what it was..a commericial/fund raising for families who have a kid with cancer and are financially burdened...think they'll start airing on
"mix 106.5" radio station..
so yeah..its official ..i had a bad day :/
its like im going back into the PACU (post anesthesia recovery unit for you non-hospital dwelling folks) tomorrow..we dont know if its going to involve OR (operation room/surgical room..whatevr)..prolly not but im going to make sure that i have some meds onboard to knock me out if i dont...
....i really wouldn't mind all this medical stuff ..if i wasn't a teenager and that im stuck watching other teens live out their lives in a fashion I think i deserve. See here's where my plain anger and beliefs clash.
Ahhh the smell of wet pavement. It's raining..
I'm getting better! feeling OK...just hope it continues this way..i might start taking lessons at Kings school..if so-im thinking of starting a blog about that which you can read all about this School i hopefully will attend and graduate my junior year at.
Unknowing where my home is, i have figured it out. My home is where God's will is. My home is not found on any physical plane but in spirit. Though it far from feels that way sometimes, the sooner i acknowledge that, the more freedom i will experience.
i change my clothes..get into the skimpy gross way out of style hospital rags...get my height/weight/blood pressure all checked.....then i lie in a gurney..they poke a needle into me, flush me with saline and then i wait. wait wait wait (this is based on experienced..very rarely do are they ready for me) meanwhile ill be listening to my ipod..or not..think its not been charged or i dont know where it is...anyways..then they give me versed and phentonal and then POOF 15 hours of my life is erased and stolen cuz i cant remember what happened. which is good...but id still rather not have to do this at all in the first place..but eh..why not...so..then im in the recovery unit....3 East for a week...to 10 or more days ..who knows
.i dont know what shape ill be in when i come out of the Operation Room ...toodles and hopefully talk to you all later
I am going to test a hypthesesis. That my life is pretty lousy and this is due to the pain which constantly poisons me. It will start today and at the end of each day I will write about how the day went and the little details and thoughts that occured.
well the vycodine helps a whole lot even though its super powerful, though i think i can keep my mind together enough to stay awake..other than that powerful pain drug its been really hard, just..living right now and healing at the same time. My emotions are scattered, or some dr psychologist might say..actually their not scattered..their pretty organized, just their not all really optimistic, which is bad because im an optimist. Lord have mercy
Day of foggy dwelling thoughts.
-scars
Learning to walk involves bearing the fall
so im not going to be going to turkey or any other place..for that matter..i learned yesterday...and now im going to talk w/ the docs bout tomorrow morns surgery...so..toodles :)
i wont be going to realy high school either this year... ill be doing school with the great teachers at the hospital
How do you justify unruly fury out of naked embarrasement against the creator?
How does one make case against the ruler of everything? How to plead in shouts full of anger, hate of confussion againts love?
How to deal with feelings parallel to bloodlust and revenge, against a role model, hero?
These are the questions which linger in the air, making my life bittersweet. If I knew the answers, life would have no meaning.. and since I don't know the answers.. life hurts.
darkness defines light to us humans. such a pity. such a shame.
so much do we all take for granted.. so much did i use to take for granted, only to find out-too late how i did not appreciate it.. just basic things.. things that are needed to live.
lex orandi lex credendi
"how you pray is how you believe".. if you want that to make sense you could just say "how you worship defines what you believe" ..ive mulled over this quite a bit, and its amazing how true the sentence is.. another thing which ive thought about.. is that God puts me through trials just to increase my faith in Him. That I should onto Him not merely for a reward, but that I should look at it from a different perspective. My walk with Him should not be defined as a journey from point A to point B but as a walk from that has no specific destination. that sounds to darn vague and unspecific.. which i dont like to be.. even though I DO like talking in carousel analogies.

Psalms 8
O LORD , our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory
above the heavens.
From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise [2]
because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings [3]
and crowned him with glory and honor.

You made him ruler over the works of your hands;
you put everything under his feet:
all flocks and herds,
and the beasts of the field,
the birds of the air,
and the fish of the sea,
all that swim the paths of the seas.

O LORD , our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!

It was very good.

Genesis 1:31, 2:1-3

And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done.

So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation.

I think...I'm supposed to be a monk.