Thursday, March 31, 2005

Memory of..

In memory of the passing of my room mate Chad. Fellow cancer brother. 5 (i believe) years old and specially handicapped. Was welcomed into Gods arms on March 12..during my last stay in the hospital.

Memory of Robert Knight. Fellow cancer brother. Age 18. Went home November 28, 2004.

Memory of Erin's Grandmother. Passed away Wednesday-March 29 2005..please pray for Erin and her family- her blog

Also in memory of Katie Carrothers. Passed away Wednesday and went to dog heaven. Faithful compainion to my Godmother, LeeAnne Carrothers.

May they all rest in peace.
I have changed my music video as I promised, even though I really liked the last one..This one is called "Year of the Rat" by Badly Drawn Boy
In response to Linsey's comment..yeah I've written one or two short stories. Eventually I'll post a some, new ones that is.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Hallelujah Song found on the Shreck Soundrack

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah


Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah


Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah


There was a time you let me know whats really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you? (and)
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah


Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah



Your faith was strong but you needed proof....
first few lines talking about David and how he fell for a woman who belonged to another man. He was King of Israel and he got her husband put on the front lines in a battle. He died and so he got the woman he wanted. But God sent Nathan, a prophet of Lord and Nathan came before David and pointed out his sin. David's fall.

She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah...
this I believe is referring to Samson. Samson's parents could not have a child. Yet his mother was very committed to God and prayed for years, saying that if she had a son, she would give him to the Lord, for his bidding. She was granted a child, but the deal was that, to show his devotion to the Lord Samson was to never cut his hair, and he would be strong. Now Samson became very very very strong. Wrestling with lions for fun..kind of guy. Anyways he had enemies, and they wanted to know his source of power. Samson at the time was seeing a woman named Delilah. Deliliah tried all sorts ways, conniving ways I would say to find out how Samson was strong. If i were Samson I would have ditched her. But I'm not...and I dont know Delilah, maybe despite all the conniving, the two really liked each other. Anyways, she eventually found out that if she cut his hair he would be powerless. She did so while he was sleeping and his enemies then came in and arrested him basically and then gouged his eyes. He was then chained to two pillars at this place where his enemies were celebrating and partying. You know what his last request was? Was that God would give him his strengh back so that he could avenge the philistines (his enemies, Delilah herself was a philistine prostitute) for his gouged eyes. No account of repentance in words..but strangely enough God granted it, maybe Samson recognized his weakness and just wanted to sacrifice himself in repentance. Because thats what he did with his strength. He pulled on those two pillars, thus killing himself and his enemies.

I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah
some would agree..some would disagree

Next verse is a bit explicit...

Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

this part is funny and ironic...because "Hallelujah" basically means..praise be to Jehovah..praise be to God.

Basically the song talks about how we go through crap..yet praise be to God.

Sunday, March 27, 2005


Pain definition is:
1.An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.
2.Suffering or distress.
3.pains The pangs of childbirth.
4.pains Great care or effort: take pains with one's work.
Informal. A source of annoyance; a nuisance.

Mirriam Websters Definition is:
2. a: usually localized physical suffering associated with bodily disorder (as a disease or an injury); also : a basic bodily sensation induced by a noxious stimulus, received by naked nerve endings, characterized by physical discomfort (as pricking, throbbing, or aching), and typically leading to evasive action b : acute mental or emotional distress or suffering : GRIEF
3. plural : the throes of childbirth
4. plural : trouble, care, or effort taken to accomplish something
5. one that irks or annoys or is otherwise troublesome -- often used in such phrases as pain in the neck

...mirriam websters definition..where it mentions 'emotional disress or suffering: GRIEF' is interesting..
Everyday I wake up in physical pain..yet in the background of it all i feel emotionall suffering..a different pain. Pain which reminds me that I can't get up and walk to the park without great assistance, embarrassment and physical pain. Not to mention I'm not strong enough (can't stand on my feet longer than 10 minutes) so seriously stand on my two/one-half legs.

I sit in bed and watch everything else go by. And the actions that people perform around me, that I see, that I read Pain. Being in this state of mind since March last year takes a toll. Memory. Not being able to remember whole days, weeks, months...sometimes even hours in the day takes a toll. I've forgotten how to live, and I say this with a laugh, while I scream inside. The movie video (if it works for you...mainly talking to windows people and slow internet connections) is called Chocolate by The Snow Patrol. I was asked to remove it, for a certain reason. But I can't because that part is important..a part I like emphasizing on. The quick, cut scenes of two older teenagers making out. Why? Because they think its the end of the world and they like eachother therefore their chain of thought would be "The worlds ending..I like this want to kiss them!' ...compared to the people who are in the pastry shop stuffing their mouths with food. Now I might remove the movie because of that part. Which idiot would stuff their mouths with cake while the worlds ending. Music videos like this are intruiging and provocative. Even though I agree with the person who asked me to take it off..that yeah..its not that appropriate, and is ironic because of the title of this blog....

The music video shows different people reacting differently to the fact that the world is ending literally in a few minutes...or their getting nuked. Either way, their trying to experience as much as they possibly can, before they die. Now, You might be thinking "how on earth is he going to relate this to pain and the fact he's forgotten to live?". Well, put it simply...If I were ever to be in that position, this is just imagination of course, at this moment I'd be stuck in bed watching everyone else. Ultimately though I believe the video is describing soceity as we see it, everyone rushing around, fast! fast! fast!

I have a lot more to say. I'll say it tomorrow though. Again about experiencing, but its about being a teenager. Might be a bit depressing, but I'm depressed. As one test I took said:
You scored as Unipolar Depression.
Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets.

Heh..funny huh? Though I've never taken Zoloft, because I will never take anti-depressants. I'm in physical pain, and I take pain medications to help it..which mess with my mind, I don't want any more medication and I wish I could fly. Aaactually.. I wish I could heal. Either one is cool.

P.S. To the one who wanted the music video to be reomved, it will be changed, in good time.
>>I have to admire Kelly, ..and Kat...who just live their pain day by day. And just do it, Unfortunately I am not strong enough, or maybe I'm to tired, or just plain different.
>>Oh and sorry about last post, it's a poem spoken out by this one guy, and it just sounds awesome...not so much in writing..well to me it still is, but ye, a memory thats very..."precious"?
>>Lastly, one thing I really like about the video is the ladybird and the sand-clock..or whatever they are called.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Tribute to Frank Romero Jr.-My favorite teacher.

Flashy words make the world turn but it dont turn right. say whaat?
I said flashy words make the world turn but it dont turn right.
So I use these real eyes to realize the real lie that are spoken but not heard.
'Cuz we are more fascinated by that which is fabricated.
So I tell you a blind man once said I once saw, believed what he said but not believed what he said he saw.
Like the mute who told the deaf man the true meaning of life;
There are three types of people in the world today.
Those who play the game,
Those who watch the game,
And those who don't even know the game's being played.
And that's a beatificated picture and a picture's worth a thousand words,
But a picture worth a thousand words don't mean "ish" if those thousands words dont mean "ish"
Or if those thousand words means that picture means "ish".
They can mean so many things like: I love you. I love you. I love you.
Three words can mean an infinite amount to one person, not enough to another, not enough intent behind those words.
But have you ever noticed that the most important word between you and I is that "Love".
Love can be the cure of all our pain or another piss word for the pseudo experienced seek and that pseudo experienced
Like those who confuse sex withlove.
'Cuz sex as love is love for those in search without a searchlight.
From a piece of mind, brings peace of mind all I got to do is give a piece of mind.
Or in other words, piece together the pieces of me to create peace within me.
But shoot. Their all pieces. Pieces to a puzzle which, when put together; ISme.
But shoot. I'm sick of working at Starbucks for less than Starbucks. say whaat?
I said: I'm sick of working at Starbucks for less than Starbucks!
Or in other words my time is worth more than 7.50 an hour.
I'm a poet. Supposed to be speaking out spoken word "poetry".
Break that word down; POE-TRY. What is the poe trying to poe needing to try that much harder because poets stay broke.
And poets like poety because they can't afford therapy. So maybe I need a therapist.
Shoot. Maybe I need a psychotherapist because "ish" is getting crazy sometimes.
Break that word down. Psyco-the-rapist. Why would I need to see one of those for?
They can mean so many things.
But if I told you everything I just told you was a lie.
What would this mean?
-Uknown Poet

I love this poem, have as an mp3 on a CD Frank gave us before he left Turkey. So Frank if you ever read this, could you please tell me the name of the Poet..and the Poems name?

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

My first thought

This blog of mine will encompass my thoughts, feelings, ideals and dreams. This being the first entry. Wednesday-March 23'rd I stare at the wall across from me, the walls in my room are painted a cream color because this house is usually rented out to people and cream/white is the best color to paint the interior of your house so that the renters may paint in any manner they like. So forth.
I stare at the wall across from me, clouds pass over the sun and my room is darkened. The clouds pass and it is sunny again.
On the wall facing me is a poster that says "Pacific Whale Foundation", above it is the sea with a whale's tail in the air as you've must have seen on television or in books so many times. Cliché sort of picture "Save the Whales". Underneath the "Pacific Whale Foundation" is written in smaller type "Extinction is forever" and beneath that it writes "Maui" inside a blue borderline. Beneath that is the adress and email. for you who are interested, which I highly doubt. This specific poster reminds me of a certain occasion in which I was sitting on my bed next to someone else and for some reason we found the "Extinction is forever" part funny. It's a very pleasant memory one that I'd happily go back in time and relive over and over. Creepily I would analogize the clouds coming and passing to life as good times which come and go..swiftly. Most people would take clouds coming and going and equating it with bad times. Yet here in california it's very sunny a lot of the time. So clouds coming and going quickly would be equated with good times coming and going quickly. And besides the sun makes my room very hot and sweat very easily, and when I sweat, I stink..therefore you might say I would equate the sun to bad times, which overwhelm my life. Getting used to the sun is like putting on a t-shirt, or wearing nothing at all. Therefore I dont sweat as much and dont stink as much, I would analogize this with maturing and living with bad times.
I miss the clouds.