Friday, December 30, 2005

Psalm 40 and life

"He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God"

"Then I said, 'Behold, I come;
In the scroll of the book it is written of me. "

"Let those be appalled because of their shame
Who say to me, 'Aha, aha!'"

"Since I am afflicted and needy
Let the Lord be mindful of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
Do not delay, O my God."

I think..this psalm is my favorite.. it involves singing, music..which i would deem is one of my favorite things in life and mourning, submitting a plea before the holiest of hollies.

it seems that i submit pleas before the Father, all the time, i cannot do anything without beggin for help. if only i could feel him there always. instead of having to feel panic.. i started with a LOT of thoughts.. this is what became of them.. not very satisfied.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Killing me softly

maybe youve heard the song.. it has been sung by a couple of people.. most recently by lauryn hill and the fugees..
its a song that holds a lot of memories, i hadnt really thought about it so much. (surprised? hardly.. "something i hadnt thought about much till now, and now im going to write about it.. what an overused suject intro)

it might have a totally different meaning..but the beautiful thing about songs, is that you can take them and mold them to your situation in life.
right now, im re-adjusting to life here in america. performing the unforgivable act of losing myself in the culture so i can get situated. i basically loathed the thought of doing this exact thing, when living in turkey. ironic like a lot of things in my daily routine. im learning a lot of things constantly.. i hardly get the time to write them down too.
lates thing is that i feel used. overused. like a elmer's glue bottle (they have a cow on it..that looks like the cousin to the 'la vache qui rit' cheese) ..and the bottles almost empty and the glue is dry on the tip part.. and because its dry -you cant tell if theres any left.. and your trying to take the stuff off only to find you have to take the whole top off. frustrated? ye ..why? because elmer's glue bottles are usually so easy to use, arent designed to get all complicated and dry and empty and sticky and what-not..
yes. i feel like glue.. or no-more-left glue...i dont feel it all the time.. just, enough that it makes me feel ardent unsatisfaction (closest emotion to it)

me me me me me.. so repetitive
i wish i could write about ..poverty and desolation in asia/africa, but at the moment- i dont believe that writing on such a subject would change anything. plus, even though i think its does not rise up emotions causing me to want to express
(insert guilt that should be felt)

i wana write more.. but i cant

Monday, October 24, 2005


Simon was visited by his Aunt and Uncle along with his Grandparents evey day since awakening. Mrs. Macvey who was always with him, looked very stressed and Simon had never seen his mother so tired and emotional before. Along with relatives, a constant stream of doctors would visit him at random hours every day. He was gradually filled in on what had happened. About six months ago he passed out in the back of the car, his mom didn't notice untill they stopped at the hospital for his check-up. Simon winced when he heard this part, imagining his mom crying and thinking he was dead while the paramedics arrived. The whole ting sickened him. Emergency surgery was performed as quickly as possibly but the doctors didnt know if he could make it through the night. As he lay there in the PICU his pulse dropped dangerously low, and for a couple minutes the machines record show no pulse at all, and if that wasn't strange enough (this was where the doctors explaining this to him began to get confused and mumble) an unexplained fire broked out right outside his door. The fire damaged the life support machines and yet no one could explain how he was still living.
A couple of days later, he was visited by the hospital Psychologist. The doctor asked him a few questions on how he was doing, Simon explained that he was glad he was alive and was very confused. The short answer seemed to satisfy the psychologist, who seemed in a hurry, and so he hurridly told Simon that,
"If he ever wanted to talk, me or any other pyschologist are ready to listen."
Simon thanked him and he left.
That night he dreamed a peculiar dream. He was standing across from a person who had a mask of a fox on their head. The person evidently was a girl as she was also wearing a long red skirt. She drew close to him, took his hand and then turned to walk up a hill. He followed, mysteriously drawn to the girl. When they reached the top, the girl spread her hands to show him a valley. He looked and there was hundreds of silver and white figures fighting. When he looked closer, he noticed that the silver beings seemed to shine inheritly while the white ones were only white. He noticed that the war was being fought with medieval weapons, he could not see the faces of the silvers because of the brightness. As for the whites, they wore faces that seemed nice to look upon, for a second, and then it sent a chill down your spine and fear would strike. Simon turned towards the girl, searching a meaning only to find the mask not on her face. She had a straight brown hair and a young pretty face with freckles on her nose. Her eyes were the color of old green and brown, like wise seaweed. She leaned forward and whispered in his ear:
"Job once said 'The price of wisdom is above rubies'."
Then she kissed him on the cheek and he awoke in his hospital bed. More confused and at peace then he ever had been in his entire life.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

movie link removed due to corruption of the world

Friday, September 30, 2005

stupid land?

your majestiy, i plead my case before you, the court of the heavens. i plead my case for the hundreth time.
what good are lungs if one cannot breath? what good are eyes if one cannot see? what good is life if it cannot be lived? unless this is a temporary punch in the stomach that will return to normal after a couple of deep breaths.. but would any normal person try to breath if they were not promised relief? im lost, utterly lost. i do not believe you could inflict such plague just for some lesson...some plan.. what kind of plan is this that one is tormented? that would make you a greek god, a roman god... a god who toys with his minnions for fun and amusement.. you are not that God. if you are there....which i know you are, please make it evident with some divine intervention.. some divine healing of my soul.. im like a near-dead tree found in the middle of a ghetto.. with string and plastic strewn around its branches which are cut and broken.
you promise flight with the eagles ..i feel like ive been bitterly betrayed, no help in sight..every hope of some recovery has been thrown to the ground and set fire too.. my troubles are too many to count, i try to cover my eyes and repeat to myself your promises.. but the hands that were covering now ache with no strenth left in them..why do you insist on me living in misery. indeed i am not even the worst, and i know it..there are no 'buts' or 'ifs'. my spirit will not admit defeat, i ask you. since you are with me, please show me whether if have been defeated, for then i will wait upon your swiftness.. if i have not been defeated.. then please save me. dear lord save me, because i cannot bare more.. you might think i can.. but anymore and my Will, will wane,,
im tired of pleading..when you will show me your pleasure?

mishalora bloakar piahglor miasom/mei?

Sunday, September 04, 2005

infinnity, uncertainty

the night before last I startled myself with a conclusion I dont think I'll share, and I dont know how to explain, anyways.. really. It actually makes what I know more beautiful, seemingly. :)

i sincerely hope that all i hold inside will be put too good use, made into song- or into story.. its all begining to be so old, im sad, im lonely..
waiting for that star dust person who wont care about things ive naught- who'll love me and help guide me, write stories- hold hands and listen to music.
or maybe im a monk whos destined to serve my Lord, bummer He cant hold my hand or whisper "everythings alright"

Friday, August 26, 2005


i have a fascination with crows..i dont know why, maybe its because their thought as evil..what with the being european version of a vulture and always eating seeds on farms....i find myself attracted to them for some reason.. anyways here are some pictures i took from ..these are some pics which captured me, ablazed my mind..i feed off of images like this.. taking it in and then feeding back by weaving it like gold strands into a part of my story..
hehe..crows and a scarecrow

this one is called "Gaze" and rightly so.. just by staring at this i start thinking about who this person is and about their life..

lol this fits PERFECTLY into my story.. this is like fuel

another face..another life.. another story..

Thursday, August 18, 2005


Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

dunno how i skimmed over and didnt see this one.. on Keira's advice looked it up. really really like this writing.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Shakespeare's Sonnets

Who will believe my verse in time to come
If it were filled with your most high deserts?
Though yet heaven knows it is but as a tomb
Which hides your life and shows not half your parts.
If i could write the beaty of your eyes,
And in fresh numbers number all your graces,
The age to come would say "This poet lies,
Such heavenly touches ne'er touched earthly faces."
So should my papers, yellowed with their age,
Be scorned, like old men of less truth than tongue
And your true rights be termed a poet's rage
And stretched meter of an antique song:
But were some child of yours alive at that time
You should live twice, in it and in my rhyme.

Shall i compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of Maym
and summer's lease hath all too short a date.
sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed;
And every fair from fair sometimes declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimmed;
BUt thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose ossession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall Death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st.
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Devouring Time, blunt thou the lion's paws.
And make the earth devour her own sweet brood;
Pluck the keen teeth from the fierce tiger's jaws,
And burn the long-lived phoenix in her blood;
Make glad and sorry seasons as thou fleets,
And do whate'er thou wilt, wift-fotted Time,
to the wide world and all her fading sweets;
But i forbid thee one most heinous crime,
O, carve not with thy hours my love's fair brow,
Nor draw no lines there with thine antique pen.
Him in they course untainted to allow,
For beauty's pattern to succeeding men.
Yet do thy worst, old Time; despite thy wrong,
My love shall in my verse ever live young.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Point of Life

God created life, earth, man- He created us to live in beauty. To live in simpleness and perfection-no need for meaning. But man decided he was not content, he yearned to live in perfection that was created by himself, not God. We live in a society where everything MUST have a meaning, a purpose, a point. Behind everything we do, inherent lies our will to create our own perfect surroundings. Sitting around wondering what the purpose of life is- is useless, waste of time. dumb.

i really am going crazy.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Music of the Night

Simon woke up to the song of peace. Soothing, eternal peace flowing through his body. The song was not composed of sound but of something which no human would be able to explain. Opening his eyes, he noticed that it dusk with very little light filtering through the trees. As his vision adjusted he saw that he was staring at a shabily dressed, long haired horribly ugly man scattered his thoughts to the point where he would have screamed. Instead he found he could not utter a noise. He could hear no other sound besides the singing. Simon noticed the ugly man staring at him with concern.
"Do not be afraid, Simon, you are safe."
He heard the man speak but did not see his lips move and hundreds of thoughts rushed through his mind.
"Where am I."-"Whats with the music?" "I'm not afraid. Why aren't your lips moving? How do I hear you? Why are you holding me and who the hell are-"
"Calm yourself and your thoughts! I am Velaho and I stand in the presence of God. The music you are hearing are psalms and praises being sung to our LORD. This forest is a stronghold, an island in the sky, a sanctuary for souls who are in need of rest. I am holding you because your soul has been separated from your body and it would be dangerous for me to let go."
"Am I dreaming, what does thig guy mean by my body being separated from my body. Island, stronghold? This sounds familiar, he's saying almost the exacts same things Gabriel said to Mary. What the-"
"Calm yourself! Your thoughts are your words. Everything you think I hear."
Looking at Velaho this time, Simon said as if he were shrugging.
"Oh well, if I'm dreaming, I might as well play along. Sir Velaho what is thy command?
Velaho gave an exhasperated look to Emerlo and Breck both who were invisible to Simon. Breck had heard enough of the boys dubiety. A bright flash and he was clothed in white armour with shield in one hand and fire in the other. Simon gaped and was suddenly humbled. His mind rambled frantically.
"I am the LORD's servant. I will be silent. Dear God please forgive me. I will not doubt your messengers again."
A blur of colors and pitch black again. Simon opened his eyes to a hospital room. Joyous cries sounded around him as he opened his eyes. Familiar faces, family faces, a doctor smiling. A whisper in his ear.
"We are here and we stand in the presence of God."

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

champagne supernova by oasis

lot of pain and discomfort this morning, really.. miserable..
wishing is miserable least to me it hasnt been friendly

How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannon ball
Where were you while we were getting high?

Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky

Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannon ball
Where were you when we were getting high?

Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky

Cos people believe that they're
Gonna get away for the summer
But you and I, we live and die
The world's still spinning round
We don't know why
Why, why, why, why

How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannon ball
Where were you while we were getting high?

Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky

Cos people believe that they're
Gonna get away for the summer
But you and I, we live and die
The world's still spinning round
We don't know why
Why, why, why, why

How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?
We were getting high
We were getting high
We were getting high
We were getting high

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

tips on constructive criticism

two posts anonymous person commented:
"You are a fruit cake. Boo hoo, your life is soooooo hard, you are sooooo different to everyone else... riiiiiight."

They claim I'm gay- as an insult more than a fact I'm guessing. hmmm..lame
"Boo hoo" -hehe this makes me always think of Casper the friendly ghost. Here it seems their trying to mock me. What a well thought through line.
"your life is so hard" -I would agree with them there
"your life is so different to everyone else" -again..nothing to argue about..'cept for the grammar thing there

Looking at this comment, then to analyze what kind of person who would write this. Someone who is hurt themselves, who is having a difficult time in life, and are not convinced that my problems are hard.. or not as hard as theirs.
God bless you and may he help you with whatever your problems may be, really. please.. if your going to comment at least come up with some good insults...and whoever you are. If you know me, dont post anonymous when mocking.. its cowardly..

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

some songs and then some

stiil working on the next bit of the story.. i believe reading "out of the silent planet" gave me a good deal of fuel along with watching some movies- across the river kwai (dont ask me how this inspired me.. maybe on the humor side of it all.. especially with the british always saying things like "blast!" -"jolly good fun" "jolly good show", "madness!" etc.) independance day.. again i dont know how this exactly inspired me..

been listening to some songs.. i think its about time to change the music video on here...
good songs to listen to that can be related to drugs.. and are for listening to while your on them (for pure surgical reasons of course)-from best to least based on experience:
Staralfur by Sigur Rus
Yellow by Coldplay
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds by The Beatles
Champagne Supernova by Oasis
Magical Mystery Tour by the Beatles
Yellow Submarine by The Beatles
Paranoid Android by Radiohead
Burn one Down by Ben Harper

Monday, June 13, 2005


im working on the next story bit dont worry.. i know basically whats going to happen, its just working it all out in my mind.

I love listening to music in the dark, late at night. After a shower, after a pain fight, just lie in bed, listen to music and let my mind, heart and emotions run around and mingle with my imagination. I can easily identify my emotions, right now I feel frustrated, hurt and lonely. Ye, I have friends who visit me, I love visiting and talking for however short amount of time, but it brings up things inside me which hurt. My struggles are different, not exactly more difficult, just different and I can try to understand theirs but they can't comprehend mine.

One of the songs I have, is very special to me. When I listen to it, I wish I could bannish all my problems and not have to deal with the petty drama and requirements that 'must' live through in this post-modern culture. It just makes me want to break down, cry and ..basically, just sing love to God.
It's the theme song to the movie 'Brother Sun Sister Moon' ..about St. Francis.

Brother sun and sister moon,
I seldom see you, I can't hear your tune;
Preoccupied with selfish misery.

Brother wind and sister air,
Open my eyes to visions pure and fair,
That I might see the glories around me.

I am God's creature, of Him I am part,
I feel His love awakening my heart.

Brother sun and sister moon,
Often I see you, I can hear your tune;
So much in love with all that I survey.

I am God's creature, of Him I am part,
I feel His love awakening my heart.

I long for the moment, when I am set free of the bonds of my physical life, so that I may be welcomed into the presence of God, for Him to scoop me up in an embrace, while whispering "well done my good and faithfull son"

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Forest of violets

Jolts of pain. Followed by flashes of nothingness overwhelmed Simon. His eyes burst open in bloodshot agony, screaming and writhing, he shouted into darkness. The darkness washed over his screams, tantalizing him, teasing him, echoing his screams. For it was not body which was tormented, but his soul. Again Simon felt the feeling of eternity encapsuled within a second. Time did not matter to him at that moment. All that mattered was salvation from the darkness which covered him, and the second he wished this, his panicking ceased. He was still being tormented, but he could block it out for one part of him to think, to listen, to act. Words came to his mind, and flowed from his heart.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death."
Steel pierced him. He felt crushed. Yet he continued.
"I fear no evil for You are with me."
The darkness was stiffling now. No more did it just wash over him, he felt it struggling against him, trying to drown his words which were no longer screams, but truth.
"The LORD is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear?"
To this, he heard an answer. The darkness rumbled, almost as if it was telling Simon to fear itself. In a last effort it rose against him. Simon began speaking in a tongue not his own, it flowed from his heart, in a song unlike any other.
"Sing to the LORD a new song, sing to the LORD, all the earth. Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad. Let the sea resound, and all that is in it. Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them. Then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy."
The darkness faded immediately to trees and green. Simon blinked and then began to cry, sprawled out on the ground.
He fell asleep. Breck and Emerlo were nearby to. Their clothes and appearances normal they gazed about them. Velaho placed the boys head into his lap and stroked his hair, whispering healing. The forest floor was covered with violets, which joined in song with Velaho.

Friday, May 27, 2005

When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking -Einstein

how true are these words, for when I read, the tales and stories become alive, pieces of earth, water, flesh woven from thought- dancing around in my mind, soothing its woes and daily troubles. Binding me back together after being broken, I do not want to stop reading, I do not want to depart the world I have created in my mind. Yet I tire, and move on, for one cannot dwell on dreams alone. But when I do dwell to long, I find that when the dreams crumble that I am not prepared, vulnerable. Yes, fantasy is the best natural gift of abstract, positive thinking, but it also can destroy.
Conclusion: Fantasy- a natural drug inhibitted into our very soul. How very convenient.

Sunday, May 22, 2005


The three guardians of the LORD crowded the small ICU room, and it was even more unpleasant with the nurse in the room too, as it is always uncomfortable to an angel for a human to move through their bodies. Velaho knelt beside Simon's body, Emerlo singing softly while his hands moved over different machine parts to make sure no accident occured. Breck stood in the doorway with his eyes looking towards the ceiling. Suddenly Breck's skin glowed brightly and his clothes burst into flames, in one hand was a shield and the other a saber. He grinded his teeth, and in a voice deeper than his own he growled,
"We have company."
Of course the minute Breck changed so had Vehalo and Emerlo. Velaho's rags had transformed into armor of light, sunbeams clothed his body and rushed around him like fireflies. Emerlo had grown another three feet and he too was burning. The description of their transformations is not quite explainable, they were not shiny, they were not sparkly and beautiful. They were light, vicious, ferocious light.
At first Breck had just seen one of the enemy. But now he saw that he was wrong, very wrong. Hundreds of white snakes like beings were moving towards their door, as they came closer the snake-beings also changed. They changed into angels with wings and white clothes. These angels formed a half circle around the room Simon lied in. Each of them drew their sword, and as they did, Breck glanced at Emerlo. Emerlo lifted his hands shooting a flaming blue shield around the room. The angels
who had drawn their swords suddenly turned grey they rushed towards the shield. The angels then transformed again. This time in to beasts, with a gnashing of teeth they screamed a blood curling yell. This time Velaho sadly looked upon the child as the room burst into flames. The hospitals fire alarm went off.

Saturday, April 30, 2005


To Simon changing between the unconsciousness and conscious states lasted as if eternity was blasted within a second. Like blinking, he was seeing one moment, then not, then seeing again, but the time that passed when he was not seeing lasted much longer than it seemed. It was all very confusing for Simon; it was even more confusing when he woke up in various places with people in white clothes clustering about him and his parents saying this he couldn’t hear. Finally he woke up one time and was more aware than ever, he was moving with people moving his bed down a hall. His whole body ached with weakness, moving his hand caused a sharp pain, which shocked his whole body out of idleness. Letting out a small cry, one of the people pushing his bed turned toward him and softly told him to not move his hand-that it was connected to an IV. Simon nodded and had no idea what they were talking about but decided not to move his hand anyways if it was going to hurt. He closed his eyes and thought about his last memories.
It had been a different day than any other school day. Simon overall hated school. He did very well class but was a very private person (he was also older than all his classmates) and for this he was condemned to an outcast state. Yet that day as he was eating his lunch alone by a tree within school grounds one of his classmates walked over to him and asked if she could eat with him, more precisely a girl came over to him and asked. Even more precisely Sasha Charkov came over and asked him if she could sit next to him. Simon wasn’t shy, just private, and he calmly said “sure” and then started furiously thinking for what possible reason would Sasha want to sit next to him. They ate in silence until Sasha said:
“I think you’re a pretty cool guy.”
Simon was a private person, the year before he had friends, and although he had been alone this year he still had observed the “events” which teens would-in his opinion- stupidly engage in. These involved having crushes, skipping school, gossiping and others which he loathed mainly because all his friends were gone, making him angry at anyone who was able to enjoy the teen drama. He scowled.
“No you don’t.”
“No I don’t what?” Sasha began getting uneasy.
“No you don’t like me.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You were though, weren’t you?”
“Well I-“
But Simon was getting annoyed and he cut her off.
“What do you want?”
It was Sasha’s turn to start getting annoyed.
“Look. I don’t want anything. I didn’t even want to come over here in the first place.”
“Why did you come then?”
“Never mind.” And with that Sasha got up and walked away. Immediately Simon regretted getting mad, but he couldn’t help it. In the past girls had come up to him for help on homework. But it still puzzled him why she would come over and ask to eat with him.
Simon groaned in his sleep. Velaho looked up from where he was sitting, then glanced at to Breck but he shook his head. No enemies yet.

Thursday, April 28, 2005


thanks for all the support-mom/thayer/mrs. branagh/rach/dad :) im not feeing very "creative" at the moment.. i might give it a whack after a bit


Velaho attended to the boy as he passed out. Catching and caring for the body, giving the heart just enough strength to go on. Breck went ahead of the car to make sure all traffic lights they passed were green and then planted a need of haste in the mother. As the mother drove to the hospital, unaware of the boys state, Breck joined in with Velaho as he sung the healing song. When the car arrived at the hospital there was a blur of panic and screams of help when the mother realised her son had passed out. Breck and Velaho stood back and nodded a notification to the two angels accompanying the paramedics. They accompanied the boy as he was rushed into the ER. Whether it was days or hours the messengers did not notice, for they did not acknowledge time when they did not need to. They prayed as scans were taken of his body. They stood against the wall in the operating room as the healing angels (healers who were assigned to the doctors) sang their songs over the boy and guided the surgeons hands. When the boy's surgery was finished he was wheeled into the ICU. In the small room stood Emerlo. Berk's blue eyes brightened, he had fought along Emerlo's side in Germany, he was one of the best influencers. Velaho was relieved to have a third comrade, singing for a failing heart had not been easy and influencers were always helpful in the manipulation of human materials. After Berk and Emerlo exchanged bows, Emerlo asked Velaho the state of the boy.
"The boy's name is Simon Macvey. When he was conscious I detected that his spirit was very strong yet very troubled and distressed. In his body I felt irregular activity on his left lung. The scans showed a tumor and the surgeons have just removed it. Tonight he is very vulnerable to attack so we must be on alert." Velaho said somberly.
"Simon will live then." Emerlo affirmed, and he began tinkering with the IV's going to Simons body.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005


His eyes twitched as he scanned for opposition. His mouth grew into a wary smile as he saw a car approach. Two little lights along with a large bright light gliding next to it. It began to rain and he descended down to earth approaching the car from the rear. Using the rain as stairs and stepping stones he ran up next to Breck. Smiling he nodded to his comrade. Velaho was not a beautiful angel, in fact he was quite ugly with blotchy yellow skin and stringy long brown hair. He was not a fighter in the ranks but a healer. His clothes were rags as he frequently took the human form of a beggar. Despite his ugliness, he was very wise and was one of the brightest to shine. When Breck saluted Velaho and the two continued after the car in silence. Breck was very well built, with freckled skin, short orange hair and white clothes. He was assigned to protect the boy in the car. When Breck saw Velaho next to him, he understood that this was a serious case. Rarely were two messengers of the LORD assigned to one boy, especially a soldier and healer. Velaho then spoke.
"This boy is very ill. I have spoken with the LORD and I am told there is to be one more to accompany us."
"Do you know the name of this brother?" Breck answered.
"All that I know is that he is an influencer and is not from this place."
"An influencer. This task must be of great importance, how ill is the boy Velaho?"
"All in good time my brother. Patience."

The boy in the car winced and he held his side. The boy was short for his age and with blonde hair and green eyes he was very handsome. At seventeen he did not have very many friends at his school. Two of his best friends had moved away the year before and it has been a difficult sophomore year and now he was sick. He didn't know what he was sick with yet, their local doctor had told him and his mom that they should go to a bigger hospital for a better diagnosis. He groaned as he passed out in the back of the car.

Monday, April 25, 2005


Breck looked down and tried to find the school where his new reward was. Up in the sky the view of the land all looked the same. Suburbs. How on earth Americans could handle it he never knew. Singing a song and raising his eyes to the sky he did a little dance. Oh! How he had craved this assignmet and finally he had been rewarded for his works. He looked back down onto the suburbs. This time instead of cement and pavements with cars rushing past, he saw light and darkness. The overwhelming greyness and flickering of lights troubled him immedietely and he began to understand why he had been assigned along with so many others to work for the cause. No worries though. For the LORD was always victorious. He leaped of his perch and glided down to one of the buildings which was filled with bright lights flickering off and on. He had noticed the place by the surrounding darkness trying to suffocate it. He landed on the asphalt with a twist of balance; years of riding and dancing in the wind in praise payed off as there was few who were blessed with flying in such ease and celerity. He ran a bit and then leaped on to the campus grounds. He walked past the teenagers who were talking and shouting while climbing into cars going home. He looked around as the teenagers walked around him, completely oblvious of his presence. Suddenly his eyes brightened and he thanked the LORD for he had found his reward and his reward was filled with spirit and a house was present.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

had a relapse..bad at rehab..ruins everything

well ive figured out my outfit.. wadaya think? lol
i cant find the i wont be able to write about some things i thought about "such-n-such" so I am just going to ramble if you dont mind. And since its 1 am..and other going to be very sloppy in my writing/grammar/spelling..because eventually youll get used to it and not whats the point? ok well theres a point..but im ignoring it this morning

I've decided to dye part of my hair a blueish after it grows out just a bit i can match saras red hair problemo (which i completely disregard as cool and not a problem..but eh..the problemo word just flowed) oh! you know what i liked about C.S. Lewis in his book? Was that he would think while he wrote. One paragraph he would be writing his thoughts and then say "no..actually..thats wrong" I love that because i do that all the time...speaking my thoughts to God in the dark..ill be talking and just talking..and then find my reasoning is all a bunch of a crap..or ill be writing in a diary (ye i actually have a diary where i dont publically broadcast it..amazing huh?) ..and ill be writing my thoughts to God. Wrestling in a written text form you could say...and i'll find myself wrong, and i find it a waste to spend 30 minutes writing something only to find it totally blind and i leave it incase i make the same idiotic mistake again. Earth wind and fire will wake me up really easily in the morning..but after that ill just sort of doze..and its not really relaxing. Pain sometimes makes my days feel almost unrealistic..dreamy sorts. No. Not the all but begining to become immune to their effects unfortunately. Just the pain will numb my other sense so that living is all surreal. I barely notice temperatures these days...ive only noticed its gotten warmer over the past 3 months because i begin sweating when in a t-shirt a dream... but then.. what is real? This life could all be a dream or a thought in the minds of our soul...and for some of us just a begining to something else.
But that thought alone just blows my mind into countless scenarios and possibilities.
everyhing is so complicated. or is it? hehe you can take someones mind and just completely whack it out of shape if youve looked at a smilar mind and found its weaknesses and strengths. the laws regarding human communication is really simple..just a matter of figuring each one out.
the days fly by...i squirm about how everything just happensthese days..i dont look at the clock on my computer..only when i check the date or someone asks me do i notice it..otherwise i tell the time by what time i took my pills..or how long ago i took my pills...
im going to go to bed now...i feel sufficiently tired and worn out..and in enough pain to wake up to arouse slumber upon my body.

now listening to: my voices in my head charge God with not coming up with a more elaborate plan..He could've at least made it possible for somehow win the lottery ..or meet the President..or Colin Powell....but nope..I get to meet exciting Dr. Kennedy!...AYE CARAMBA!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005


..the spiritual unknown..angels, archangels, cherubims and seraphims...beasts and creatures confined to the spiritual realm..dimension .. ah so intruiging
ill talk about the song playing..some other time when i have more time
you find me repeating myself? sorry

ill leave you with something C.S. Lewis joted down in his notebook-which became the book A Grief Observed..he wrote:
"I once read the sentence 'I lay awake all night with a toothache, thinking about the toothache and about lying awake.' Thats true to life. Part of every misery is so to speak the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer"

oooh so sweet are the words which you identify so well with.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Coming out of the Darkness

It pulls you down, "give up, its so much effort" it says
But you breath, you take a breath for those standing near to you
Every breath is a hundred strong Bulls. Trampling your thoughts and troubling your mind
It's relaxing and its hell. All compressed and cooked well.
Swelling, bubbling your mind is mine. I claim it and try to breath at command.
But it's so much more easier to just not.
I'm naked, exposed beneath the blankets. I do not care I am relieved.
"No!" I say, to myself and breath.
I wish i could tear this mask away from my face.
Fly away afar from this place.
No time for blundering, i breath again. It's so much effort. So much effort.
As my mind conforms to time. Earth time, our time. I open my eyes.
All around me, familiar things. I close my eyes- a slow blink and I wish again that I could go.
I breath at command, from somewhere near. Some nurse or mom, some voice in my ear.
It's so hard, im relaxed, just let me be! But yet again I breath as we take over he.
Who am I? I am conscious, Kris' that is. I am awake, sleepy but here, his body.
His body. His body has been meddled with, troubled, I fear.
Too late, I was shut out while this attrocity took place. Too late, but i agreed to be shut out.
Breath! A command that makes me sick and tired. To breath when everything, all around is wild.
I get used to it, the body and I. We become Kris and he talks through "I".
I hate this. Fighting to breath, when i could surrender.
I could surrender and flow so relaxedly. Life would go on. Just without me. Thats ok...
Sighing. I breath again. I start to talk. "Why do I fight this feeling? this feeling to give up?" I think, I talk.
I laugh, i bite. Chocolate from the nurses pocket. My mind whirls. It dances and swirls.
I'm alive..yea, no more feeling of giving up. What a shame- I liked it so much.
Breathing is constant. They take pulsox off. I heave myself up as my strength rushes around.
I remember why I live.
"My body, this lean carrion that still has to be washed and fed and have clothes hung about it daily with
so many changes.." -Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis
so many changes. The strength that rushed through and around me. A strength that is not my own, or is it.
Aha! The strength of my mind, my will. My thoughts. My dreams and ideals! Energy that feeds my soul.
and all it was- just some blackout drugs.
I shall return to my reading, I really just needed to write out what it feels like to come out of anesthesia.
...maybe one of the reasons I live is to write. For if I were unable to write, then I might die. But..hehe
"Man proposes, God Disposes."

now playing: The Nutcracker Suite by Tchaikovsky

Saturday, April 02, 2005

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henny Youngman

Well! I've started reading again...this time I think I'll try and bring a book along wherever I go..get into the habit of being a bookworm again. I have a rather large book list to cover too. I'd post it all..but I'd be boring and this place is for writing not to bore..thats the other blog. So I'm going to give you some quotes from the book I'm reading for the third time:
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L'Engle:
The spoken word is one of the triumphs of man and i intend to continue using it, particularly with people I dont trust. -Charles Wallace (character)
We are such stuff which dreams are made on. -The Temptest quoted by Mrs. Who
To action little, less to words inclined. -Hores quoted by Mrs. Who
What grievous pain a little fault doth give thee. -Dante also quoted by Mrs. Who
La coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point.
The heart has its reasons whereof reason knows nothing. -Mrs. Who (who likes quoting in different languages, plays and dead writers)

A Wrinkle in Time...a great book..but only for those with great imaginations.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Memory of..

In memory of the passing of my room mate Chad. Fellow cancer brother. 5 (i believe) years old and specially handicapped. Was welcomed into Gods arms on March 12..during my last stay in the hospital.

Memory of Robert Knight. Fellow cancer brother. Age 18. Went home November 28, 2004.

Memory of Erin's Grandmother. Passed away Wednesday-March 29 2005..please pray for Erin and her family- her blog

Also in memory of Katie Carrothers. Passed away Wednesday and went to dog heaven. Faithful compainion to my Godmother, LeeAnne Carrothers.

May they all rest in peace.
I have changed my music video as I promised, even though I really liked the last one..This one is called "Year of the Rat" by Badly Drawn Boy
In response to Linsey's comment..yeah I've written one or two short stories. Eventually I'll post a some, new ones that is.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Hallelujah Song found on the Shreck Soundrack

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah


Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah


Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah


There was a time you let me know whats really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you? (and)
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah


Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah



Your faith was strong but you needed proof....
first few lines talking about David and how he fell for a woman who belonged to another man. He was King of Israel and he got her husband put on the front lines in a battle. He died and so he got the woman he wanted. But God sent Nathan, a prophet of Lord and Nathan came before David and pointed out his sin. David's fall.

She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah...
this I believe is referring to Samson. Samson's parents could not have a child. Yet his mother was very committed to God and prayed for years, saying that if she had a son, she would give him to the Lord, for his bidding. She was granted a child, but the deal was that, to show his devotion to the Lord Samson was to never cut his hair, and he would be strong. Now Samson became very very very strong. Wrestling with lions for fun..kind of guy. Anyways he had enemies, and they wanted to know his source of power. Samson at the time was seeing a woman named Delilah. Deliliah tried all sorts ways, conniving ways I would say to find out how Samson was strong. If i were Samson I would have ditched her. But I'm not...and I dont know Delilah, maybe despite all the conniving, the two really liked each other. Anyways, she eventually found out that if she cut his hair he would be powerless. She did so while he was sleeping and his enemies then came in and arrested him basically and then gouged his eyes. He was then chained to two pillars at this place where his enemies were celebrating and partying. You know what his last request was? Was that God would give him his strengh back so that he could avenge the philistines (his enemies, Delilah herself was a philistine prostitute) for his gouged eyes. No account of repentance in words..but strangely enough God granted it, maybe Samson recognized his weakness and just wanted to sacrifice himself in repentance. Because thats what he did with his strength. He pulled on those two pillars, thus killing himself and his enemies.

I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah
some would agree..some would disagree

Next verse is a bit explicit...

Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

this part is funny and ironic...because "Hallelujah" basically means..praise be to Jehovah..praise be to God.

Basically the song talks about how we go through crap..yet praise be to God.

Sunday, March 27, 2005


Pain definition is:
1.An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.
2.Suffering or distress.
3.pains The pangs of childbirth.
4.pains Great care or effort: take pains with one's work.
Informal. A source of annoyance; a nuisance.

Mirriam Websters Definition is:
2. a: usually localized physical suffering associated with bodily disorder (as a disease or an injury); also : a basic bodily sensation induced by a noxious stimulus, received by naked nerve endings, characterized by physical discomfort (as pricking, throbbing, or aching), and typically leading to evasive action b : acute mental or emotional distress or suffering : GRIEF
3. plural : the throes of childbirth
4. plural : trouble, care, or effort taken to accomplish something
5. one that irks or annoys or is otherwise troublesome -- often used in such phrases as pain in the neck

...mirriam websters definition..where it mentions 'emotional disress or suffering: GRIEF' is interesting..
Everyday I wake up in physical pain..yet in the background of it all i feel emotionall suffering..a different pain. Pain which reminds me that I can't get up and walk to the park without great assistance, embarrassment and physical pain. Not to mention I'm not strong enough (can't stand on my feet longer than 10 minutes) so seriously stand on my two/one-half legs.

I sit in bed and watch everything else go by. And the actions that people perform around me, that I see, that I read Pain. Being in this state of mind since March last year takes a toll. Memory. Not being able to remember whole days, weeks, months...sometimes even hours in the day takes a toll. I've forgotten how to live, and I say this with a laugh, while I scream inside. The movie video (if it works for you...mainly talking to windows people and slow internet connections) is called Chocolate by The Snow Patrol. I was asked to remove it, for a certain reason. But I can't because that part is important..a part I like emphasizing on. The quick, cut scenes of two older teenagers making out. Why? Because they think its the end of the world and they like eachother therefore their chain of thought would be "The worlds ending..I like this want to kiss them!' ...compared to the people who are in the pastry shop stuffing their mouths with food. Now I might remove the movie because of that part. Which idiot would stuff their mouths with cake while the worlds ending. Music videos like this are intruiging and provocative. Even though I agree with the person who asked me to take it off..that yeah..its not that appropriate, and is ironic because of the title of this blog....

The music video shows different people reacting differently to the fact that the world is ending literally in a few minutes...or their getting nuked. Either way, their trying to experience as much as they possibly can, before they die. Now, You might be thinking "how on earth is he going to relate this to pain and the fact he's forgotten to live?". Well, put it simply...If I were ever to be in that position, this is just imagination of course, at this moment I'd be stuck in bed watching everyone else. Ultimately though I believe the video is describing soceity as we see it, everyone rushing around, fast! fast! fast!

I have a lot more to say. I'll say it tomorrow though. Again about experiencing, but its about being a teenager. Might be a bit depressing, but I'm depressed. As one test I took said:
You scored as Unipolar Depression.
Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets.

Heh..funny huh? Though I've never taken Zoloft, because I will never take anti-depressants. I'm in physical pain, and I take pain medications to help it..which mess with my mind, I don't want any more medication and I wish I could fly. Aaactually.. I wish I could heal. Either one is cool.

P.S. To the one who wanted the music video to be reomved, it will be changed, in good time.
>>I have to admire Kelly, ..and Kat...who just live their pain day by day. And just do it, Unfortunately I am not strong enough, or maybe I'm to tired, or just plain different.
>>Oh and sorry about last post, it's a poem spoken out by this one guy, and it just sounds awesome...not so much in writing..well to me it still is, but ye, a memory thats very..."precious"?
>>Lastly, one thing I really like about the video is the ladybird and the sand-clock..or whatever they are called.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Tribute to Frank Romero Jr.-My favorite teacher.

Flashy words make the world turn but it dont turn right. say whaat?
I said flashy words make the world turn but it dont turn right.
So I use these real eyes to realize the real lie that are spoken but not heard.
'Cuz we are more fascinated by that which is fabricated.
So I tell you a blind man once said I once saw, believed what he said but not believed what he said he saw.
Like the mute who told the deaf man the true meaning of life;
There are three types of people in the world today.
Those who play the game,
Those who watch the game,
And those who don't even know the game's being played.
And that's a beatificated picture and a picture's worth a thousand words,
But a picture worth a thousand words don't mean "ish" if those thousands words dont mean "ish"
Or if those thousand words means that picture means "ish".
They can mean so many things like: I love you. I love you. I love you.
Three words can mean an infinite amount to one person, not enough to another, not enough intent behind those words.
But have you ever noticed that the most important word between you and I is that "Love".
Love can be the cure of all our pain or another piss word for the pseudo experienced seek and that pseudo experienced
Like those who confuse sex withlove.
'Cuz sex as love is love for those in search without a searchlight.
From a piece of mind, brings peace of mind all I got to do is give a piece of mind.
Or in other words, piece together the pieces of me to create peace within me.
But shoot. Their all pieces. Pieces to a puzzle which, when put together; ISme.
But shoot. I'm sick of working at Starbucks for less than Starbucks. say whaat?
I said: I'm sick of working at Starbucks for less than Starbucks!
Or in other words my time is worth more than 7.50 an hour.
I'm a poet. Supposed to be speaking out spoken word "poetry".
Break that word down; POE-TRY. What is the poe trying to poe needing to try that much harder because poets stay broke.
And poets like poety because they can't afford therapy. So maybe I need a therapist.
Shoot. Maybe I need a psychotherapist because "ish" is getting crazy sometimes.
Break that word down. Psyco-the-rapist. Why would I need to see one of those for?
They can mean so many things.
But if I told you everything I just told you was a lie.
What would this mean?
-Uknown Poet

I love this poem, have as an mp3 on a CD Frank gave us before he left Turkey. So Frank if you ever read this, could you please tell me the name of the Poet..and the Poems name?

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

My first thought

This blog of mine will encompass my thoughts, feelings, ideals and dreams. This being the first entry. Wednesday-March 23'rd I stare at the wall across from me, the walls in my room are painted a cream color because this house is usually rented out to people and cream/white is the best color to paint the interior of your house so that the renters may paint in any manner they like. So forth.
I stare at the wall across from me, clouds pass over the sun and my room is darkened. The clouds pass and it is sunny again.
On the wall facing me is a poster that says "Pacific Whale Foundation", above it is the sea with a whale's tail in the air as you've must have seen on television or in books so many times. Cliché sort of picture "Save the Whales". Underneath the "Pacific Whale Foundation" is written in smaller type "Extinction is forever" and beneath that it writes "Maui" inside a blue borderline. Beneath that is the adress and email. for you who are interested, which I highly doubt. This specific poster reminds me of a certain occasion in which I was sitting on my bed next to someone else and for some reason we found the "Extinction is forever" part funny. It's a very pleasant memory one that I'd happily go back in time and relive over and over. Creepily I would analogize the clouds coming and passing to life as good times which come and go..swiftly. Most people would take clouds coming and going and equating it with bad times. Yet here in california it's very sunny a lot of the time. So clouds coming and going quickly would be equated with good times coming and going quickly. And besides the sun makes my room very hot and sweat very easily, and when I sweat, I stink..therefore you might say I would equate the sun to bad times, which overwhelm my life. Getting used to the sun is like putting on a t-shirt, or wearing nothing at all. Therefore I dont sweat as much and dont stink as much, I would analogize this with maturing and living with bad times.
I miss the clouds.