Sunday, June 18, 2006

First day of being an adult. Took long enough.

Let me take a whack at it.
You ever have a feeling? and it touches something in you and you are suddenly.. like struck by lightening (so to speak) and you wish so badly to capture that feeling, put it in a cage, to look at it later? Or maybe you want to conjure up a feeling, you are successful and you suddenly feel the need to say something to somebody about how you feel and about that certain thing.

I feel a bit of both.

I'm eighteen. Yeesh, sounds unreal. I suppose I could feel glad? or something.
actually. screw it. I'm going to write to myself now. tread softly with your comments, excuse my words for they do not care about you.

I was just going over this blog and I wrote some pretty darn good posts when I was in physical pain/emotional struggle/loneliness. I tried to write my heart out, in a lot of places. I was not in good shape was I? I was probably depressed, clinically, I'm not sure, I don't want to find out. But then again, I might have not been.

Ok. So my writings were born out of struggle with God over pain and His connection to it all. Now, I don't have the pain, and therefore should keep my little trap shut. Complaining outright sounds lame, but if you make a plea, if its polite and if the peanut gallery can relate to it, then its applauded and is upheld as pure gold. Cloth your hate with empathy and crafty accusations.

Right now I wish, I wish, I wish. That's about all I do. I wish and pray about my wishes.
and I wait.
I'm going to a community college next year. I didn't know I was going to it untill ..december. Normaly people start planning their college two years in advance. That is what I hate. I like planning my life, I like knowing which direction will lead this to that to this to that. Everybody likes that. To have security?
Right now, I feel a great absence of security. Of selfish security that is. Security that I can plan my own plans and they'll take me somwhere, instead (and I can say this with confidence) I have security that God's going to take me where He wants me to go. He's got some great plan for my life yes yes yes..
It involves the occasional move here, move there, cancer, oops surgery mistake, oops 4 months of something hell for you, oh look! american school, culture shock and this that and the other thing.
I lived it. It's done. It's not the end of it..haha no..bloody hell no. That what scares me, thats what forces me into the wings of God. I feel trapped, fooled almost into putting my trust in God. If I don't I know its going to be worse, and if I do, well it still will be bad, but I'll have some extra emotional support. Why do I hate this? Because I can't change these things or control the bad things that happen to me, I'm forced to deal with them strongly because I know thats the best hope for me to face..another struggle. I'm not responsible for the crap that happens to me, or I feel like I'm being punished because I live in a sinful world, but then, hey, wait, everyone around me isn't being punished like this, or if they are, their doing worse than me...what the fuck?

Before the osteo happened to me. I could look at people breakdance and think its cool. Now the main thought that goes through my mind, even if its slowly dulling away, is..."I will never be able to do that." I might have never tried to breakdance before I had osteo, but the thought and confidence that I would be able to breakdance a little if I just learned, was there. Now, I cannot even think it, it is impossible for me to attempt the windmill. Someone might say, well, so what, it's just breakdancing. Yeah, it is just breakdancing, and its about all the things which force me to look even more physically different. The general underlying myth in everyones mind is, "the more different you are from someone, the less desirable you are". At the least, at first sight. This makes meeting new people pretty hard, since the first thing they see is the person, theyve got yet to know you you.
I'm not looking for pity in the shape of "aw" , I'm looking for it in the shape of "ah".

Before I started school in october.. Number two and three inflicted me ever since chemo started in december 2003. The whole time, untill march 2006 ive been feeling number 1
1)Stupid God, why pick on me? Again? Ok, sorry, but I'm just.. lost.

2)I can get through this. Actually, I don't really care if I get through this. I think I'll just concentrate on watching the next simpsons episode.
3)I feel good. Its all good. It's ok if things are bad, it definitely could be worse. hm..that just happened. well, I know for a fact, that this pain will eventually stop. That I will be able to sleep. With sleep comes relief.

Now, I'm just.. living..trying not to think..too much. Except now You know what God? I'm going to try and control a lot of things in my life. I want you to intervene as much as possible. But pleeaasse.. keep crap from hitting me. Some rest please? Can this be my "sleep and relief period"?
I'm not totally reeling from shock from hitting that life changing glacier..but the effects are still huge, visible, and bleeding.

I'm returning to a semi-normal state. As much as is possible for a person like me. In a lot of ways I have...and I actually don't need comfort.
I'm trying to document what I'm going through, subconsiously a lot.

From another viewpoint, I've found my journey so far.. fascinating. I have a total unique fucked up life that not many people can claim to have led. In a lot of ways it actually wasn't that fucked up, in some ways.. its dead on. I am using that word just to drive home the fact that there was enough shit to deserve the title. But, I also led a life. I'm comfortable and proud of that. I've led a life that deserves the title "Life". It's got all the elements to make a great story because its unbelievable in so many ways.
So.. I like my unique and screwed up life. I like being me. I've learned a lot.. and I'm not dead so I have more things to accomplish and see and influence..hopefully my purpose.
and sometimes, I honestly like being in the shade of the tree. Under the protection of the master of the universe. My praise Him in everything I be glad and satisfied.

On that note. Congratulations. You've withstood a personal therapy session.

hava nagila hava...venis mecha
hava neranena..

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Teen and Eight

The mingling of sounds or words in any form or contortion can not express this spirit in full.
Upon this birthday morn, I do know that I have come pretty far and I hope I will go farther.
I recognize a part of myself, I can recognize sources of ideas and feelings from within myself.
I am still afraid of pain and its effects.
I am not afraid of death.
I know my limitations and capabilities but I do not know how far I should push them.

I go over certain events which have wrecked hell on me and my being and I will say "If that hadn't happened, I could have taken over the world by now" ..but then I will second guess myself and pose my stronger feeling "If that handn't happened I would have been pretty pathetic compared to now"

Now, how far do I push? how much do I wish?

Do I push for God, do I wish for heaven? Lasting wisdom, guidance and fellowship?
Do I push for riches? No, a convenience for sure, I've been pampered most of my life. If I could only get rid of those shackles, I would feel so much more free'er.
Do I wish for fame? pffff
Friendships? For sure, this is a bonus that I believe will come with guidance from the Father.
Power? Yes. I do wish for power. Spiritual power. Power of self-control and alertness.
Love? I cannot live without it. I yearn for it, as it says in psalms: As the deer pants for water. (even if its an analogy for yearning for God)

I'm begining to like this damned journey of purpose, it can be very refreshing and, sometimes, suprising.